Doomp was an Oompus. Oompuses were adorable creatures by nature, natives of Goompus. (The similarity of the name of the group and the land from which they came is common among the cuter people groups.) Doomp wasn't a typical Oompus, however. Doomp was, in the opinion of most who met him, entirely unadorable. He was neither cute nor entertaining. His countenance was pensive and his carriage was a sort of slouching shamble. Even if he tried, which he never did, he could not evoke mirth or adoration. Most people just felt sort of sorry for him as they gave him wide berth, lest he converse with them about all the wearisome, serious things about which he was constantly preoccupied. His lack of whimsy and charm was so complete, in fact, that it rose to the level of a crime according to the code of law of the Oompuses (a code containing only one law which, to summarize, said you had to be adorable). And so the other Oompuses captured Doomp and, most adorably, cast him roughly out of the land of Goompus into exile, never to return on pain of cute death. So Doomp went into the city and got a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in local government. His favorite part of the job was reporting monthly performance metrics. He found it deeply satisfying, in a most unadorable way. No one enjoyed working for him, which suited him just fine. The end.
Hello, friends. I trust you're well.