People always want to sit outdoors at restaurants when the weather is nice, to sit out in nature with the animals and plants and eat some of them in front of the rest of them. I do not enjoy this as much as everyone else does. I'd rather sit inside where they don't let the wind and the bugs and the birds in. There are many reasons for this, not least of which is that I, unlike most of you, actually understand bird speech. And it's awful. Birds are all either inane or vulgar and disgusting. If they're not boasting in disturbing detail about their latest sexual escapades then they're arguing about reality television. I don't want to hear, while eating my sandwich or salad, exactly how she moved it when he hit that. I'd rather be free to ponder something more edifying than American Idol or The Voice or the show that has the name I think all reality shows should have, The Biggest Loser. So, next time you invite me to eat somewhere, please don't say, "Oh, it's so beautiful today. Want to sit outside?" If you do, I'll smile and say, "Sure" as my soul slowly dies a little more inside. Or outside, as it were.
Hello, friends. I trust you're well.