Tweets Again [sigh]

Tweets copied and pasted from my twitter. That's all I have time for today. Pathetic, I know. Sorry.

• Air guitar is the only correct response to "More Than a Feeling" by Boston.


• I finally figured out why I don't like jazz singing: It insists upon itself.


• While it's true the Rockies may crumble and Gibraltar may tumble, it's NOT true that they're only made of clay. They're sedimentary rock.


• I've heard enough "That's what she said" jokes to make the following observation: I don't know who "she" is, but she sounds like a whore.


• I want to write a book of famous quotes made by notable women and call it, "That's What She Said".


• Dear Sir: To say that your breath smells bad would be an insult to things that smell bad.


• My grandfather was in the Sicilian orchestra. He carried around a violin in a machine gun case.


• I can't wear asshats. My head is too big. Or possibly I'm wearing them wrong.


• My family crest is the Waffle House sign in front of crossed swords.


• Neither does my family have a Mission Statement or any Doctrine and Covenants or even a Policy and Procedure Manual. Just this Manifesto.


• Yesterday I heard someone say, "Our family motto is, 'Pride and perseverance!'" My family doesn't even have a motto, as far as I know. You?


• In my bombs it's always the green wire. I try to let all my friends know this, just in case.


• TV shows are dumb.


• The Secrets of My Success: 1. Never share your secrets.


• I think Randy Newman might be the greatest musical genius of the last ten thousand years of human history. #notTrue


• Lived in a brownstone. Lived in a ghetto. I've lived all over this town.


• The days keep coming. Every night I go to bed thinking maybe I'm finished and it's all over. Then the morning comes. It's exhausting.


• To 10 Things I Start But Never Finish: 1. Lists,


• She said, "There's only one way to handle difficult life transitions." I think she might be overestimating.


• Does anyone know whether or not Gwen Stefani is a hollaback girl? I've always wondered.


• When I stand on the corner with a bullhorn and proclaim my hatred for juice and knickers, some people get really angry. Go figure.


• I don't think jellyfish should be allowed to ride on public buses with humans. There, I said it. If that makes me a racist, so be it.


• The government has been sending secret messages in SPAM email. Something big is about to happen. Something big thick and meaty.


• I memorized "And away they all flew like the down of a thistle" when I was a kid and didn't understand what it meant until years later.


• When companies follow me on Twitter because of some keyword I tweeted, I always start buying from their competitors. FYI.


• @hhoagie: Things written without caffeine fade slowly from the page, as though written with disappearing ink. This is literally true.


• #emptyTweet


• Remember when TV shows were just TV shows & not culture? Now there's almost as much reporting about what happens in TV world as in reality.


• My friend & I used to walk around the theme park with a map and ask people to show us where certain rides were. It was a map of the world.


• If you only had one day to live, what is your favorite color?


• I've decided to pretend that I'm opening a restaurant. I wonder what sort of flatware I should buy? Okay, I'm bored with this game. Done.


• Storm brewing. Feel comfortingly familiar. The world is a better place on the brink of a storm.


• It's not just his humor. His entire personality is self-deprecating.


• Bob Seger & Billy Joel both capture perfectly the ridiculous tendency of men to consider their own small lives & histories legendary & epic.


• Lyric that makes me smile: "Party down with vigor and candor"


• I love the song "Trou Macacq" by "Squirrel Nut Zippers." I thought you should know.


• Why do we have "news" about what happens on TV shows? It's still not real, right? TV shows aren't news.


• The revolution has not been canceled, only postponed. Don't lose faith.


• You don't have to drop that cover over the oil spout in the Gulf, guys. Just teach it about abstinence. Perhaps a clever skit is in order.


• At least the slick in the Gulf isn't foreign oil. At least there's that.


• If we were ever madly in love and I ever told you I'd never forget you, I apologize, because I have.


• The harmonic overtones produced when the wavelengths of our dysfunctions interfere with each other generate a calming purring noise.


• You know that animals in the gulf are thinking, "What the hell did those idiots do to us this time? Why do they DO these things?"


• Dude! United and Continental should, after the merger, totally change their name to "Contented Airlines."


• Stereotypes that Don't Exist: Those guys on the train with the berets who throw ninja stars at you while playing the accordion.


• "Before you go I want you to know: I never meant to hurt you." "You stabbed me five times!" she yelled. I could see she was still upset.


• She claimed she had unearthed repressed memories that I had beaten her as a child, but I disabused her of that notion.


• She walked up to me and said, "You're unapproachable."


• I don't recommend leaving your eyes open all the time. Some things are better unseen. Give yourself a break.


• "Homophobia" sounds like it should mean, "Fear of the same," but it doesn't.


• The lions lie and watch in the cooling evening as summer draws to a close. Fall comes before the pride.


• Quick! Someone say something that will change my life!


• The sky billows in blurry grey.


• Of all the things you could have called a "fly", why that little bug? Why not an eagle, or a heron?


• If there's one thing that I hate it's when I'm up in the club and I'm sippin' that bub' and someone is calling my telephone.


• If you catch fire for some reason, remember these three words: 1. Stop; 2. Collaborate; 3. Listen. Or something like that.


• Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.


• Dude. We should totally give Arizona back to Mexico. That would be hilarious.


• How many mechanical botanists does it take to screw in a tulip bulb?


• In the interest of full disclosure: I would never put a bumper sticker on my actual car. (I should get a bumper sticker that says that!)


• Bumper Sticker I Want: DON'T BE SUCH A DUMBASS!


• How many absurdists does it take to screw in a garlic bulb?


• How many Amish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?


• My efforts for good in the world are not tireless. They're tiredfull. I'm exhausted almost all the time. Plus I don't really make an effort.


• Think your life is rough? "Hamsters are hindgut fermenters and must eat their own feces in order to digest their food a second time." Wow.


• I've decided to implode. Seems more considerate than exploding.


• Tom Scholz spent 5 years composing and recording the song, "More Than a Feeling" and you can tell. The song is an anthem to perfectionism.


• A storm. That's what I need. A big, dark, violent storm. That would make me feel better. I need a storm.


• I have nothing to say. So, that's what's up. I'm not angry with you, I just have nothing to say. I thought you should know.


• My stomach is not happy today. I wish my stomach would leave me out of its petty affairs, but it looks like I'll be affected.


• The sun! She burns!


• I wish I could find an IQ test that "gets" me.


• Did you know that the inventor called it "Nair" as an abbreviation for "Nary a hair"? It's true. I mean, it might be. I just made it up.


• I've lost my passion for apathy. It just seemed so pointless in the end.


• I wonder how many white rappers use the pseudonym "MC White Chocolate"?


• Hogwarts is a disgusting name for a school, if you think about it.


• George W. Bush's new book "Decision Points" uses the latest pop-up book and scratch-and-sniff technologies for maximum playtime fun.


• George W. Bush called his new book "Decision Points" because it's one of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" pick-a-path books.


• George W. Bush's new book title, "Decision Points," is an anagram for "Poisons in iceD t." Coincidence?


• What the hell are "phone skills"?


• Bumper sticker idea: If Your Worldview Fits on a Sticker You're Probably an Idiot


• Bumper sticker idea: Think Positive but Test Negative


• "I just want someone to understand me," she said. "Then maybe they can explain me to me." I didn't get it.


• If I said to you, "I'll always be a word man," how would you respond?


• This morning I posit that music is essential to humanity. It's a part of who we are.


• Everything changes. It always has.


• In contrast to the military, the policy of the TV show Jeopardy is, "Ask, don't tell."


• How much time each week to you commit to watching "The NeverEnding Story"? How far have you gotten? Are you tired of it yet?


• Today there are massive ice storms on the tiny island of Volcanoland. (Turnabout is fair play, after all.)


• It's always sunny on the sun. No night. No seasons. No rain. Mostly sunny every day.


• Do Martians celebrate Earth Day?


• My shrink thinks I might be crazy. I, on the other hand, think I might be Thor, God of Thunder.


• Clouds come and go, like voices in your head. Clouds hardly ever yell you to kill though. Just once in a while.


• It's secretary day! Tell the old girl she looks good for her age.


• It's secretary day. Let your secretary order herself some flowers from petty cash. Next time she brings you coffee, tell her to do it.


• Sometimes I use the twhirl filter to filter out people that I don't want to unfriend but don't want to read. I'm sure it's not you, though.


• To wake him up you had to call him Edward. He never arose by any other name. #hiddenQuotes


• I call every reality show, "The Biggest Loser." It annoys people.


• I am sore from working out last night [brag]. Working out would be easier if I weren't so fat [brag].


• You're not doing enough to rid your life of stress. UNSTRESS, people! DO YOU _WANT_ TO _DIE_!!!!!!!!!


• There were a lot of teens parked up at Abstinence Point when I drove by last night. Must have been planning some charity work or something.


• "FOUR and TWENTY black birds? BAKED in a pie." Dude, that rhyme is totally about pot, dude.


• I think my habit of compulsive lying is more than compensated for by my supernatural ability to heal disease by humming.


• This Just In: Iceland renames Eyjafjallajökull "Bob the Volcano."


• True story: I just met a man whose last name was "Mexican". And he wasn't Hispanic. Funny, sorta.


• It's cool that Betty White's going to host SNL. With all the signs of age, the feebleness and whatnot, I just hope SNL survives until then.


• "Empurpled mud under a willow, Where white geese slept;" I love the imagery in May Thielgaard Watts's poem "Vision".


• Dear Amazon and iTunes: I refuse to buy the soundtrack to "Scooby Doo 2" just to get Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta". I'll just go without.


• The way a workaholic is about work? I'm that way about booze. I'm an alcoholoholic.


• Want to have a healthy diet? Find lots of friends who eat only healthy food. Eat one of these friends each day.


• I hate naps. Death is too close to nap. I'd stay awake forever if I could.


• Nobody understand me like Coolio do.


• I'm existentially tired. I want to go to sleep and not wake up until a couple of years ago.


• Heels over head would be a better description of a fall. Head over heels is normal. When you're standing, your head is over your heels.


• For Follow Friday I recommend: Saturday. (Have I made that joke before? I must have. Oh well. Since when has that stopped me?)


• I've listened to Talking Heads' "Life During Wartime" a lot lately. It always makes me happy.


• For Follow Friday I recommend following: "The Directions", "The Yellow Brick Road", "The Leader" and "Your Nose".


• I think I'd make a good monk, except for all that "believing in things" part.


• You can't just say, "Damn, you're beautiful" every time it pops into your head. It makes beautiful people uncomfortable.


• I don't relate to people who hang their shades here and there on their head or neck when not wearing them. Of course, I don't wear shades.


• Look on the bright side: We'll all be dead one day.


• Why do aliens all have the same head? Humans don't all have the same head. At least I don't.


• If any of my tweets have offended you today, I want you to know that I accept your apology.


• One Asian, Underdog, Individual, with Libertine and Just This for All.


• My Favorite Steven Wright joke: "This isn't one of mine. It's not even funny. Did you find this on the Internet?"


• On our programming department we've switched from Teams to Tribes. And our new motto is, "There is one I in Tribe!"


• Just heard about NerdCore Hip Hop & programmer rappers like MC Frontalot and MC++. Like with the Onion, most of the humor is in the titles.


• Y'all, I am SRSLY stressing out over which shoes to take to BlogHer! Also I need to remember tampons, in case I get my menses.


• He's writing filtering software for his wife's computer that makes every penis in any downloaded picture look smaller than his.


• Dear God: The fireball was cool, but you missed Westboro Baptist Church. Please try again.


• I'm not going to lie to you: Most of what I say is not true. (Just kidding.)


• Do you know how to use question marks. I don't?


• The Barenaked Ladies should cover REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" (and also their nakedness)


• My blog is like poetry (in that no one reads it any more).


• Do Zen: A 12 Step Program


• She took the test and it said she's pregnant so then he took the test and it said he wasn't so she must be cheating on him.


• Dear Japan: I bet Sumo wrestlers taste a lot like whales. Just sayin'.


• Winston Churchill Quote of the Day: "I never said this. Stop attributing it to me."


• If evolution is true, why don't monkeys believe in it?


• If I ever become a famous TV chef, I'm changing my name to Al Dente.


• As Mark Twain once said, "I think Winston Churchill said this, actually."


• My days as a desk calendar are numbered.


• I use the same repeating banner for both Earth Day and Heart Day: ...RTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEARTHEA...


• I'm pretty sure that the moth on the outside of the window is actually government agent in disguise. I'm just going to pretend I don't know.


• I think I just accidentally set off a chain of events that will lead quickly to the destruction of the universe. My bad.


• I'm keeping Schrödinger's cat for the weekend. "Please remember to feed and bury it every hour," he said as he left.


• To work! There's nothing for it. I must needs go. You're all doing a great job (except one of you). See you soon. Love and such.


• Leonard Cohen composes music and lyrics so compelling that other artists think, "I should do a cover of this that actually sounds good."


• Did you know that the word gullible is not in the pledge of allegiance?


• This number beside my name in twitter keeps going down. I wonder if that's bad or good. This other one goes up, though. Maybe it evens out.


• Has anyone seen Mars lately? The planet? I haven't seen it for a while and I'm worried. I hope nothing happened to it.


• She'd been a reporter for as long as anyone could remember. She had to be ancient, but she still looked young. No wrinkles. Permanent press.


• Everyone else is more self-styled and unique than I am. I want to be like that.


• I really want you all to know that I'm the kind of person who doesn't care what you think of me.


• Sometimes I feel like everyone thinks I'm paranoid.


• Does this tweet make me seem insecure?


• If you could start at the date line and travel westward around the world fast enough, how long, at most, could you make a day last?


• You shouldn't burn analog clocks. Why? Second hand smoke.


• Main reason I don't think "traf" is a "cool" name for our traffic monitoring software: It's "fart" backwards. That's reason enough, right?


• We call animals something else when we eat them: poultry, beef, pork, venison. Is there a word like that for humans, I wonder?


• It's funny how some jokes don't make you laugh at all. Well, not funny, I guess. Just strange. Get it?


• Deciding our nuclear family was a sufficient deterrent, we arrived a non-proliferation agreement. We cut a deal, so to speak.


• I want to produce a popular documentary about colas and sodas, so popular that it becomes a pop reference.


• A hole is a visible absence, something you see because nothing is there.


• A donut hole is not a hole. Calling a donut hole a hole is like calling a pile of dirt a hole.


• It's been ten years since Y2K. Ten years. It feels like ten months or something. Something is wrong with time.


• Is this a party or a disco? Is this foolin' around? Just wondering.


• Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one with less horse shit on it. And that has made all the difference.


• If we really want to get some judgin' goin' on in Washington we should put Judge Judy on the Court! AM I RIGHT?!?!


• When I die throw me in a hole in the dirt and call the worms for dinner. Then pilfer all my things and slander my good name. I won't mind.


• How can "stay at home moms" have a gathering in public? Isn't that impossible?


• Is "dictator" slang for "penispotato"? If so, it's misspelled.


• I want to open up an upscale doughnut shop for hipsters and call it "Hole Foods".


• All of the 1980s were at least 20 years ago. This has just occurred to me. Some of the 1980s were 30 years ago. Damn.


• In hindsight, a portmanteau of "Tweet" and "Chat" wasn't such a clever name for my new twitter/chat client application.


• When a stranger sticks gum to the bottom of a table in a café, how long should you wait before walking over, removing it and chewing it?


• Just overheard: "For any 2-digit number, half that number is always the digits of that number reversed!" Uh, no. Is this EVER true?


• If I say the same word twice, is that two words?


• "A rhyme is a repetition of similar sounds in two or more words and is most often used in poetry and songs." Two or more. Hmmm...


• Does a word rhyme with itself?


• Shouldn't it be "One Size Fits Each"? I mean, we're not all going to wear that robe, right?


• I think The Clapper should have a switch on it so people with only one hand can still use it to turn on and off a lamp.


• I'm opening up the first radio station targeted at deaf people. Everything we broadcast will be in sign language.


• Why aren't there any braille billboards along the highway? Blind people are consumers too.


• My children are almost as old as I am now. One day they will be older than me. Then they can explain everything to me, help me grow up.


• I don't believe in science. They always find out they were wrong eventually. I'm just getting there first.


• I like to make up new science lies. SCIENCE!


• One thing that all successful people have in common is that they didn't go to a convention to learn from a lecturer how to be successful.


• I have this theory that the dinosaurs turned into clouds. I think this cloud theory holds water.


• A question, after all, is more reliable than an answer. A question is an absolute. An answer is always contingent and subjective.


• I am only certain about my doubts. I'm skeptical about everything else, though I question the wisdom of this.


• I know everything is best, just not for everyone at the same time.


• If things look familiar today, it's because Wednesday got lost in shipping and they're reusing last Thursday for today. Can you believe it?

Hello, friends. I hope you're well.

Later. Love.