Didn't sleep well last night, and I have meetings this morning, so I'm not feeling inspired. Instead of the amazing things I usually post, therefore, I'm copping out and posting a bunch of my tweets from the last couple of weeks. If you follow me on Twitter, you've already seen them. Sorry.
- Susan lied & said she could have a taco. So I brought her a taco. Then her nurse got mad at me. Then I got mad. Susan, however, got a taco.
- I don't know what the Final Four is, but it sounds ominous, like the horsemen of the apocalypse or something.
- Are you scatter-brained? Do you ever sit at the table and look for your fork only to realize that it was on top of your head the whole time?
- Before I achieved enlightenment I was a total retard. Now I'm enlightened as hell. It rocks hard, y'all. You don't even know.
- Once you reach enlightenment you don't care about all this crap any more. You have more enlightened crap to think about. Deep shit.
- God was laid off last week. "God was a great employee, but god just worked in such mysterious ways," said his former manager, Kevin.
- He still uses the word queer when he finds something unusual. I find this strange, especially since he's gay, but I guess it makes him happy
- During autism awareness month we're supposed to be more aware of autistic people so that, one day, autistic people can return the favor.
- Did lady GaGa write that song that goes, "Scott Scott Bo Bot Banana Fana Fo Fot Fee Fi Fo Mot Scott"? It sounds kinda like one of hers.
- Lady GaGa doesn't want to be friends. Sorry.
- Salesmen are sitting at the table beside me. They're discussing accounts and products. I wish they were in pencil so I could erase them.
- I ran the Necronomicon through a Spell Checker and it underlined three misspelled words and one incantation that would destroy the world.
- It took a while, but here's a triple entendre: Jimmy Carter was too sane & timid for the job. He should have grown nuts.
- "Double entendre" only means "double meaning". It doesn't mean anything else.
- Okay, it's in the dictionary. That was a just a trick. Did you know, however, that the word "gullible" really isn't in the thesaurus?
- They made some sort of breakthrough at the Large Hardon Collider. High energy particle collisions give physicists a hadron.
- Scientists made it official: The brain is formally classified as vestigial. YES WE CAN!
- I never bought a dress and went to a dance with a boy. We were too poor for that. Plus I'm a dude.
- What they don't tell you in love stories is that people aren't numbers. You can't add one and one and get two. It's always just one and one
- If I can only accomplish two things today I want to learn to count.
- It's not serial killing when you kill them all at the same time.
- The Chinese have a lot of proverbs. Most of them are very hard to understand (unless you speak Chinese).
- There were no tables along the wall or window at my coffee shop this morning. I'm sitting out in the middle of the room. I feel naked.
- Acrostic composition relies on surreptitiously tenable initial characters.
- I look forward to an approaching time of life on which I can eventually look back with nostalgia.
- Dear Fiscal Conservatives: Money is imaginary. We only pretend it matters.
- If you value being an original thinker, it should follow that you aren't surprised or offended when people disagree.
- I went to a high school for comedians. Class clown was like Valedictorian. No one danced at our prom. We all just stood in the punch line.
- Last night I had a nightmare that I was a member of Lady Gaga's entourage. I looked completely ridiculous in all that leather.
- I've learned the seventeen secrets to being less-than-average. I will share them with you for a thousand dollars.
- They should call them Ulterior Motivational Speakers.
- We're more than 8 hours into this 24 hour day already. Carpe diem, people. Quit fucking around. It will be tomorrow in less than 16 hours.
- Corey Feldman calls up Canadian singer Corey Hart, asks if he wants to hang out.
- Dear Corey Haim: Don't ever invite addiction into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless.
- Corey Feldman feels great disturbance in the CoreyForce, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
- I think I'm going to start shopping where the non-consumers shop. I hear they have a great selection, though they're a little pricey.
- To avoid sexual harassment accusations, when women enter my office I always say, "I want you to know that I don't find you attractive."
- Full of the best intentions I rush into the fire, but I am made of wax, I am a candle. The soul is willing.
- Did you hear that Sting is releasing a cover of the N.W.A song "Fuck tha Police"? Yeah, neither did I.
- This trend of zombie-ifying famous books is getting out of hand:
- What to Expect When You're Expecting Zombies? Really?
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies? Really?
- Microsoft Excel for Dumb Zombies? Really?
- I'm OK, You're a Zombie? Really?
- The Purpose Driven Zombie? Really?
- One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Zombie? Really?
- Being and Nothingness and Zombies? Really?
- Elements of Style and Zombies? Really?
Hello, friends. I trust you're well. Are you?
Later. Love.
