Twick or Tweets (Get It?)

Today I'm posting a bunch of Tweets I've posted on Twitter. That sucks, I know. Some of them are pretty good though. What? They are. Some of them. Just read them. (Or don't.)

• It's true: I lack depth. I'm missing a few dimensions. I'm a tracing along familiar lines, the same old jokes all the time. A shtick figure.


• I find it offensive when I glance over at a woman and her boobs are staring at my eyes.


• dear people who decided things should be this way: i respectfully disagree.


• Our universe doesn't have to be probable because it's already here. Only things that don't exist yet care about probability. What is is.


• Let's write a song. I'll write the chorus, you write the verses and the bridge. Ready? Chorus: Singing, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah, baby. Baby yeah."


• "We're all outsiders, Ponyboy. You, me, Martin Sheen's kid, Squeaks, Matt Dillon, Fonzie, the Karate Kid, Cherry Coke, Tom Cruise, Cracker Jack and Rob Lowe. We're all outsiders and that's all we're ever going to be. Outsiders." (From "The Outsiders")


• Have you noticed that there are fewer imaginary animals flying around these days? I hope someone will lobby for their protection.


• I hope all your nightmares come false.


• Like a lot of you, I haven't really fleshed out the details of my Middle East policy. I should really do that before it's too late.


• I've always thought the attacks should have been on 7-11. It's funnier that way. (Still too soon?)


• Do you think the Beatles love us? It's hard to tell. Sometimes I think they're just pretending to like us so we'll buy their music.


• What's your favorite post-Beatles song? Most people like Lennon and McCartney, but I love "Moustache Fandango" by Ringo Starr and the Noses.


• Do remember where you're going to be when Paul McCartney dies (again)?


• I think Paul and Ringo should produce an album of the worst Beatles songs ever. "Greatest Misses".


• My new song is about a magic puffin named Drag.


• I've decided how I want my story to end. I wish I were writing it.


• I am wearing a jacket, an honest-to-goodness jacket. And I'm wearing a dishonest-to-goodness hat. And an honest-to-badness fake moustache.


• I am the Fake McCoy, the original, genuine, real Fake McCoy.


• I'm trying to get my imaginary friend to keep it real.


• I told him I felt fortunate to have avoided meeting him for so many years. I told him I'll always look back fondly on not having known him.


• Before there were mugs we all carried around handfuls of hot coffee. It was awful. Then we evolved mugs. Now we can type and drink coffee.


• I haven't tweeted in a while, so I'm completely full of shit. I hope you enjoy it.


• I want a bumper sticker that says "Guess What?"


• I want a bumper sticker that says "I'm Also Behind You".


• I want a bumper sticker that says "My Harpoon Gun Has 2 Car-Lengths of Rope".


• In truth, I don't have any stickers on my car. I would never put a sticker on my car. I don't like them.


• Also this: I don't wear slogan T-shirts. (I want a shirt that says that.)


• I consider the continuation of overcast heavens a kind of agnostic grace. The skies are full of doubt. Wherever you look, it's a grey area.


• He told me that great minds rarely agree. I agreed.


• Is the top of the morning at the beginning, the end, or in the middle? How is the morning shaped? I can't tell from here and now.


• There's a grackle walking around outside the window. I wonder if he's looking for me. Maybe Dumbledore sent him.


• You're always free to choose, but you have to choose. You have no choice. Freedom is mandatory, I'm afraid


• He told her that giving a man an erection is not really an accomplishment. "It puts you right up there with yawning," he said.


• People who become disciples of a leader have already missed the mark, I think. The leader would never have done that.


• You can never get behind yourself, nor in front of yourself. You can be figuratively beside yourself, but you may as well get over yourself.


• My high school French teacher just came into the coffee shop. She's the one who taught me how to say, "Je ne parle pas Francais."


• Movies that garner great praise but then turn out to be stupid are overrated.


• If I could share two truths with you I would only share one of them and I would keep the other one. It would be a big secret.


• I wear white, crew-neck, T-shirt undershirts. That's just who I am. Deal with it. I never wear wife-beaters, not even when I beat my wife. Also I don't beat my wife, except when we play trivial pursuit. I just get so angry when we play that game.


• The cop was chasing my car for a completely petty offense. It was a trivial pursuit.


• I now refer to the back of a right shoulder as "The North Face". I'm so open to suggestion.


• Google Wave scares me. I'm not going to be young enough to do it right. I can tell already.


• Sometimes my sense of humor cracks itself up. Sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be.


• A lot of people don't realize that Eddie Murphy played every character in Beverly Hills Cop.


• I never meant to make you cry. I hope you will forgive me. Mostly, though, I hope that you will stop.


• Someone said, "There's something funny about a lot of sad things." I agree.


• I do try not to laugh loudly at funerals, or cry loudly at comedy clubs. I don't want to distract the mourners/victims.


• My mother raised me to be older than I was. I'm still working on that.


• She was arguing that L. Ron Hubbard invented histrionics. We were trying to explain the mistake to her, but she was throwing a fit about it.


• The difference between Dianetics & Diabetics is not subtle, though the words are very similar. This is why I never trust words to be clear.


• She said, "It doesn't matter how you smell." "Stinky people are unpleasant," I replied. "What? Oh, I meant 'spell'," she said.


• She threatened to throw a tiny statue of Moloch at me. I told her I don't respond well to idol threats.


• I recently decided my dreams weren't the right ones. I've picked new dreams. They're simpler, more attainable. They're more real, less ideal


• Is Kevin Bacon Jewish?


• Did you know Kevin Bacon's middle name is Crispy? It's true.


• Jack Black was in the movie Tenacious D with Meat Loaf who was in a sandwich with Kevin Bacon.


• I've never seen Squid Bob Sponge Pants but I've heard a lot about him from the young people. He sounds pretty cool and fresh and rad.


• "You could give minorities the right to vote, but what good would it do? Minorities never win votes." That almost makes sense, except not.


• Children are so adorable. I wish they would all leave this coffee shop and go have wonderful lives. Or just shut the hell up.


• How can you tell if a ventriloquist lawyer is lying?


• Disney has licensed the rights to the Balloon Boy story. They're going to call it "Up II: No Good".


• I still insist that people named Nicholas have the best nickname.


• I'm trying not to give foothold to evil in my life, but I can feel wickedness welling up like fire in my gut. Someone should stop me.


• You cannot count to infinity. There simply isn't time. Even if you go by tens it will still take forever. That's how infinity rolls.


• If they're going to press charges against the Balloon Boy family, they should list our dumb culture as an accomplice.


• My doomsday device isn't working. I cannot get the lights to flash. I haven't tried pushing the Doom button, but I bet it wouldn't work.


• It's so hard to believe that we're all the same species. Such variation. She looks more like a gazelle and I'm more a rhino.


• The technical term for liposuction is "hippoplasty". A lot of people don't know that.


• TV watchers seem to assume that you're judging them when you say you don't watch television. They do this because TV has made them shallow.


• A lot of Germans read my blog. I'm not sure what that says about me. Something guttural, I bet.


• I should learn to like the things normal people like. I wish it wasn't all so awful. That would make it easier. What's wrong with everyone?


• Does all this extra weight make me look fat?


• When I die, I want my last words to end with an ellipsis. People can debate the meaning of my aposiopesis for years to come.


• There is only one absolute, and this is it.


• He said, "Legalize same sex marriage? We've been having the same sex in our marriage for decades. I say OUTLAW IT!"


• I immediately regret this tweet. It's too honest, too raw. I'm foolish to be so vulnerable.


• I'm yawning. Yawns are contagious. Now you will yawn.


• Being a goy from TX, I'm no expert, but popular culture has left me with the impression that Yiddish is a language made up mostly of insults


• Druids dance and spin around the conifers, casting their swirls before pine.


• It's cold in this coffee shop. I wonder if they'll let me swim in the coffee.


• She asked me if I knew of a dating service that catered to older people. "Well,..." I replied, "...there's carbon dating."


• Whenever you play them on the jukebox you want your nickel back. That's how they got their name.


• He picked up 2 coins from her change and placed them between his lips absentmindedly. "You shouldn't lip her nickels at the table," I joked.


• The tiny clairvoyant lady from the movie Poltergeist has gone missing. That means there's a small medium at large.


• The new message on Flickr captions is funny: "This photo has people in it. Move your mouse over the photo to see them." I see them already. I'm a human, Flickr. Unlike you, I can recognize people in pictures.


• It seems to me that most people just aren't smart enough to understand the value of elitism.


• According to Gaiman it's an old saying. Have you heard it? "Every hour wounds. The last one kills." Not cheery, but I like it.


• In my next story there will be a man named Les Moore. Some people will call him Les, some Moore. He doesn't have a preference, Moore or Les.


• It makes no difference. Les is Moore.


• I always fly off the handle when people call me reactionary.


• Everyone is a different person every day. This belief has the dualistic advantage/disadvantage of preventing both resentment and intimacy.


• Why do people get so upset when you tell them their kids are ugly? It's not like you said they're ugly. (Even though they are.)


• I knew some guys in the 80s who got into Top Gun. Not the school, the movie. They REALLY got into it. Called each other IceMan and Goose.


• After hours of not talking on the fishing boat she said, "You take me for granted." Truth is, I take her for ballast.


• I finally perfected my new invention: The Skeleton Lock. You can open it with any key. I'm taking orders. How many can I put you down for?


• It's not really texting while driving that's dangerous, it's driving while texting.


• Jay Leno was all like, "Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched," and I was all like, "That's just your imagination."


• Once I had this dream that this monster was chasing me but then the monster woke up so the dream was over. I didn't know it worked that way.

Okay, so that was a crappy copout of a post. Sorry.

Hello, friends. I hope you're well. Are you?

Later. Love.