For lack of anything else to write, I've decided to write a "How To" post. In the interest of attracting the attention of The Department of Homeland Security, I've decided that this post will be "How to Make a Weapon of Mass Destruction." Here goes.
- First you're going to need anger issues. Maybe you're ugly or uncool. Maybe nobody ever asked you out. Maybe you have no talent or your parents are just awful. Whatever it is, get angry. Hold it all in (for now).
- Now you're going to need something dangerous. A deadly virus or a strong source of radiation or something that explodes very violently will work. Just, you know, make sure it's very, very dangerous, like, weapon-of-mass-destruction dangerous.
- Put the dangerous thing into or onto some sort of delivery device like a car or an intercontinental ballistic missle or a highly suggestible religious fanatic.
- Now you'll need a manifesto. This is probably the hardest part. You don't want people laughing at you later. Your manifesto will have to speak for you after you commit your atrocity because they are going to find your miserable ass and stomp you into dust. I mean, you can't really blame them, right? Here's a pointer: Use the word "justice" liberally. Good luck.
- Now you just schedule and execute your awful atrocity. You might consider something that takes you out with it because, seriously, they are going to rip you a new one, dude. You're going to really regret it if they get their hands on you. And they will. It might take a little time, but they will. Then you're in big trouble, jerk.
In the interest of full disclosure I should point out that I've never actually tested these instructions. I just made them up. I would never do such a thing because people like me, for the most part. I have no anger issues and such. But you? You should really think about it. What other choice do you have?
Hello, friends. How are you today?
Later. Love.
