I've been getting recorded messages from Jesus. Not THAT Jesus, a different Jesus. THAT Jesus never sends me messages. These messages, the ones from another Jesus, aren't religious. They're just casual and fun.
But, enough about that.
Our big research project begins today. We're doing research on what people have in their hands. We were going to do a random sampling, but we decided yesterday, at the last minute, to do a comprehensive sweep of the entire world. It was Brad's idea, that douchebag. We were going to just go to the mall and survey people in the Food Court. It was going to take ONE afternoon. Now we're doing the WHOLE DAMNED WORLD. Do you have any idea how long that's going to take? It's probably going to take the REST OF OUR LIVES, BRAD, YOU INCREDIBLE FUCKTARD! Thanks a lot.
So, don't be surprised if we show up at your place. I wanted to split up, but Randi insisted that we all stay together. Why? Because she has the hots for Brad. Great. The rest of my life is really going to be annoying now, watching her pine away for an oblivious ASS MONKEY like him.
Anyway, it will just be the three of us. We'll try not to be too intrusive. We just need some basic facts about what's in your hands: size, weight, color, brand. We're also categorizing everything into the following categories:
- Communications Device
- Remote Control
- Weapon
- Genitals (Own)
- Genitals (Not Own)
- Food
- Tool
- Toy
- Cucumber
- Miscellaneous
I'm not sure why we're breaking out cucumbers into their own category, but I'm sure there's an important scientific reason.
See you soon.
Hello, friends. How are you today?
Later. Love.
