Although thematically boringly typical for this time of year, this post has that Scott-like flair we've all come to love.

Most secret societies these days, it seems to me, are more focused on the end of the week than on the end of the world. Sometimes I think the world is never going to end. And sometimes I juggle baseballs. We can't be sinister all the time. We have to be well-rounded if we're ever going to accomplish anything ominous.

Today, in the spirit of the impending holiday, I'm going to list things for which I am thankful. Feel free to list your own in the comments section:

1. I'm really thankful that I'm not pursued through life by strange flying beasts that look like angry flaming pigs with dragon wings and four inch fangs. That would be horrifying.
2. I'm really thankful that my wife has sex with me. Seriously. It's totally cool.
3. I'm super thankful that Charlie Sheen isn't my brother or father or brother-in-law or son. I don't even know the guy. Thank god.
4. I'm thankful that I've never been caught prancing around wearing girl clothes. I mean, I don't wear girl clothes, so the risk is low. Still, I'm really glad I've never been caught.
5. Two words: Boobs.
6. I'm glad gnomes are real, even if god might not be.
7. I'm sincerely thankful for my family and friends. No, really. This one isn't a joke.
8. It makes me happy that my myriad health problems are all manageable and don't prevent me from leading the type of life I'm inclined and qualified to lead.
9. I'm really thankful that a volcano has never sprouted under my house, breaking my foundation and sending hot magma shooting into the living room and kitchen, all over the furniture and appliances.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but my secret society doesn't really have a secret handshake. How do we identify our members? We're just a very small society and we all know each other. If anyone's looking when we shake hands, we'll just wiggle our fingers around indistinctly and give each other a knowing glance. It's just one of those things we do for kicks. Kevin was supposed to come up with a secret handshake, but Kevin's a total deadbeat. We'd kick him out, but he knows all of our secrets.

Hello, friends. How are you today? For what things are you thankful?

Later. Love.