I do not like many of the things that most people seem to like. I find so many things distasteful that it often causes friction or awkwardness. I spend a lot of time wondering why. People often feel as though I'm judging them when I proclaim my dislike for something they enjoy. I suppose I am, at least indirectly. I suppose I'm questioning their taste or their values. It would be nicer, I suppose, to say nothing. My dislike is so strong and visceral, however, that I almost feel I have to offer an explanation for my discomfort. "It's not you making me cringe and retch, it's just that I really can't stand [INSERT ALMOST ANYTHING HERE.]" It's a no-win situation, I guess. I'm doomed to be me, making others cringe and retch.
Having thought a little about it, I have isolated a small number of root causes. I'm not proud of them, but I've felt strongly for several years now that I need to try to be honest with myself about myself. (I usually just lie to the rest of you, but I'll tell you the truth today.)
- Having grown up poor, unstylish, smoke-scented and chubby, I have an unfair natural distrust of people who are overtly beautiful, affluent or stylish. It's preemptive rejection, I'm sure. It's a defense mechanism against the rejection to which I assume these people would subject me given the chance. I take no pride in this trait, but it's fundamental to my personality and realizing this doesn't seem to mitigate the problem much. This eliminates, for me, a giant chunk of everything in popular media.
- Having been a sincere adherent of a fundamentalistic style of religion for many years, I have a strong distaste for proofery (a word I made up), simplistic syllogisms or rationalisms, and oversimplifications of complex issues. This eliminates, for me, most "news" programs, talk shows and even a lot of documentaries.
- I'm not sure where this comes from, but I really dislike being "pitched" or "sold to". I always think everyone trying to sell something is lying. This eliminates, for me, politics, commercials, news, almost everything else.
- I've always felt like an outsider. Don't get me wrong: I'm very happy and I like who I am. Nevertheless, it's still true that I've always felt like an outsider. For this reason, I think, I dislike close-knit groups, groups with clear boundaries. The simple assumption about an outsider is that they dislike groups because they are not accepted as members. While this might be true for some people, and while this may have been true for me at some point in my life, and while some history with this may even explain my current disdain for such groups, today I have no desire to belong to groups. The idea make me cringe, in fact. Instead, I have a strong desire for belonging and membership to cease to be an issue. I want the boundaries of these groups to dissolve. This is why, I think, I don't enjoy ensemble shows with their close-knit groups of young, attractive hipsters and their typical "What's up with this weirdo?" plotlines.
I suppose, to balance karma, I should list things I like. I like people, unless they're mean. I like hanging out and talking with family and friends. I like to read good writing. I have fun composing and posting this crap every day. I enjoy cooking real food from scratch. I like drawing pictures. I enjoy telling jokes. I like writing software. I enjoy football games as long as I don't care who wins. You know, stuff like that.
Luckily for everyone else, none of this makes much difference in the world. I talk about it here because this is my place. I'm important in this place. You can go almost anywhere else in the world if you don't want to read about me.
Hello, friends. Won't you tell me how you are?
Love.
