Big things are happening here are Caveat Emptor. Major deals are being made. Changes are afoot. I'm not supposed to be talking about it, but I'll tell you if you promise not to let the proverbial cat out of the proverbial bag. Okay. Ready? Here it is:
We've been acquired by Starbucks.
I have to admit that I wasn't thrilled about the acquisition at first, but I don't run this place. As those of you who have been around here for a while know, I incorporated and went public with Caveat Emptor several months ago when the administration and public relations burden became more than I could bear. Within a couple of weeks the newly elected Board of Directors voted away all of my authority and relegated me to the position of Staff Writer and Figurehead, which is fine with me.
Okay, back to the Starbucks deal. When Todd, the asshole who runs marketing, came to me with the idea, I hated it. I've since come to realize, however, that I hated it just because it came from Todd. I hate that guy. Mr. Todd the Jerkhead, that's what I call him. Yesterday though, Barry the CEO and Chairman of the Board came to see me and explained the benefits of the deal. There are a lot of them, and they're all crisp and green and in my pocket. I got, like, $85 out of the deal. Pretty sweet. I'm not sure what percent of the total money that represents, but it's free money, dude.
Don't worry, though. Nothing's going to change around here. I made sure that they knew it would cost more than $85 to turn me into some kind of corporate shill. I mean, I did agree to make "Thing About Me Number Sixty-Four" about how I love the light-bodied Terraza Blend with its well-balanced smoothness and hint of caramel flavors. It's great over ice. You know, you can tell a lot about a coffee if you know where it's from because every bean has a distinctive flavor particular to its land of origin. Coffees from Latin America are celebrated for their great balance, medium body and clean finish. Starbucks knows this because, at Starbucks, Geography Is a Flavor™.
Oh, one other change. We will now be charging $2.50 per post. (Venti posts are available for $4.25.)
Hello, friends. How are you today? Thirsty? Head on over to Starbucks. There's one within five feet of you right now.
Later. Love.
P. S. - Check out Paul McCartney's new hit album "Memory Almost Full" over at Hear Music, the voice of music at Starbucks. Barristas are raving about it, saying, "This is the best music Paul McCartney has ever recorded" and "This is the only Paul McCartney I've ever heard except for when he was with the Rolling Stones or whatever" and "Holy crap, do we HAVE to play this thing again?" Check it out! Thanks for stopping by.
