caveat emptor

Driving, Rain

Be kind to the SUV that runs you off the road. Try to understand the plight of the driver. How can virtues like patience and courtesy grow in the rocky soil of such a wretched heart? It's not their fault. No doubt they have great urgency to which they must attend, like birthing another future addictive personality or screaming cell phone abuses to the mother of their illegitimate love child. Try to understand their plight and their place. They are the dark matter of Karma, the counterbalance to the scales. Without them, the joys of life would be less sweet.

Now I stand in the torrential rain and let it wash those memories away. Now I am clean again. Now I have closure. Now I can move on. Here goes.

The storm I drove through last night was epic. It was like driving along the bottom of an angry ocean, except with stronger winds. It was two hands gripping the wheel and two eyes peering forward at the flashing tail-lights of my fellow fools. I swear a trout swam by my window. A trout. I swear. But, I survived. Today everything is clean, except the dirt, which is all muddy. The weather around here is the stuff of heroes and legends. Hercules would have pulled off the highway last night. He wouldn't have had the stones to keep pushing through the downpour. When the sky turns against you, the rules of natural selection are over. The strong, the careful, the skilled, the smart, all are in the same plight as the fools. Around here, when the skies get dark, it's survival of the lucky.

Hello, friends. How are you today?

Later. Love.

Dozer Jimmy

Jimmy drives a dozer. He's done it for years. He started when he was nineteen, an army recruit learning to drive an armored CAT D9 with either an S-Blade or a mineplow. From the first day he sat in the cabin and took the controls, Jimmy was a natural. Today, still dozing at age 43, Jimmy considers it an art form. He expresses himself with the blade and the ripper. He sees the hydraulics as extensions of his own arms, the attachments as brushes. People who know what they're seeing, real professionals, are always impressed with Jimmy's skill.

Lately, though, working well has not been enough to satisy Jimmy's hunger for creative expression with the dozer. Lately he's started coming in at night and firing up the nimble Komatsu D275A. Lately the other guys have noticed odd piles of dirt scattered around in the field beside the shop. If they could see them from high above, they would know the truth. Those are not randomly scattered. Those are carefully arranged. For Jimmy, though, it's not about the perfectly formed eagles and foxes and wolves. For Jimmy it's the movement, the deft maneuvering, that are truly artistic. To see the real beauty, Jimmy thinks, you have to be there in the cabin, rumbling slowly through the night air, moving instinctively through a field you can only see in your mind.

In one week a news helicopter will spot a perfectly shaped peregrine falcon carved into the dirt of the field beside the tractor shop. In one week everything will change for Jimmy. Jimmy, however, will never be happier than he is tonight.

Hello, friends. How are you today?

Later. Love.

Off the Wall

An excerpt of the transcription of the Annual Strategy Kickoff at the 2006 International Sales Conference for the Coca-Cola Company.

Good morning. I'd like to thank all of you for being here. As National Presidents of Sales and Marketing from almost every country in the world, I know you all have very busy schedules. Nevertheless, I think it helps all of us to take a little time each year to get on the same page and refocus on our corporate initiatives. Thank you for participating.

Our first order of business, as most of you know, involves the clock. I'm sure all of you know the clock of which I speak. I've heard the buzz of concern all week. Well, we've made a few calls, and the reports are true.

Please, calm down. Everyone calm down. We can get through this, but only if we keep it together. Please. Thank you.

Now, here are the details from our people in the field. As I'm sure you know, one of our key strategies in marketing is to make the Coca-Cola and Coke trademarks as ubiquitous as possible. Our goal, as you know, is to eventually cover every square inch of the planet with a logo of some sort. Will we ever get there? Yes. Yes we will.

But, I digress. As a part of this long-standing strategy, we placed, as some of you who have been around long enough will remember, a back-lit, plastic clock with the Coca-Cola logo in the convenience store beside the bus stop in Caacupe, Paraguay back in 1971. It's a 310-33453/220v model. You know the clock, I'm sure. Well, last week, as you've heard rumored, a young boy throwing a tantrum hurled a glass bottle of Mirinda Guarana, a local competitor's product, into the clock. The plastic cover was broken. The owner... I'm not sure how to say this... People, the owner threw the clock away.

People! People, calm down! Please! Everyone just calm down! Please sit down. Sit down. Let's not lose control. Please. Yes, sit back down. Thank you.

The long and short of it is that the store is, at this time, not covered. There are no Coke advertisements in the entire place. Most of you will remember that there was an initiative three years ago to make sure we had at least double coverage in the stores in that area of Paraguay. Well, apparently that died in someone's In Basket. We're looking into it. Heads will roll, rest assured.

There is one further detail. I'm going to ask you all to be professional. No outbursts. Just accept this as an indication of how serious the situation is on the ground: The store has a Pepsi-themed poster on the back of the front door and a Pepsi logo on the drink cooler. That's right. Two Pepsi. No Coke.

So, there's the situation. Let's attack this thing Coke-style, people. For the next three hours we'll do regional brainstorming. Then, in the afternoon session, we'll draft a plan for operations. We've only got two more days to come up with a solid, sanctioned plan. Let's get on it, people. This is the real thing.

Hello, friends. How are you today?

Later. Love.