Dear Sir or Madam of the City Council:
The grackles were a nuisance, there can be no doubt. It's true that they seem to always travel in groups of one billion or larger. Why? Who knows. Monophobia, maybe. Regardless, that many birds crowded into one place is just too many. Loud and messy and Hitchcockian, we acknowledge that they caused real and serious problems.
Nevertheless, I am not alone in decrying the poor judgment of whomever chose to contract the services of PteroCorp to take care of the grackle problem. If one judges the success of the solution simply by comparing the few numbers of grackles in the downtown area to the higher numbers before the service commenced, one might be tempted to call the plan a success. If, however, one considers the considerable collateral damage caused by the numerous Pterodactyls and Pteranodons released into the skies over the city by PteroCorp, one cannot call this situation anything less than a nightmarish disaster.
I cannot speak for everyone, but I do speak for the families of the more than 17,000 victims that have been snatched from the streets and eaten by these flying monsters. We look back fondly at the days when the most you had to worry about when you walked downtown was the threat of being solicited by a panhandler or having your jacket soiled with grackle poo. We would prefer to have the grackles back and not have to worry about dashing from the restaurant to the theatre, running and ducking from awning to awning, in order to avoid being snatched and carried away in the killer claws of prehistoric pest control.
Furthermore, we feel that touting this plan as having an "added benefit" of "reducing homelessness by 96%" is a heartless way to characterize the grisly fate of those poor, poor people.
If we cannot appeal to your fear or humanity, perhaps you will give ear to our legal concerns. Our lawyer is fairly certain that Dr. Drago Evilich, founder, owner and Senior Mad Scientist of PteroCorp, is prevented by his exile from - and I quote - "All lands populated by God-Fearing humanity" from entering into contracts that are funded with public monies. As such, we believe we could appeal to the federal government and successfully bring charges - both civil and criminal - against the members of the council.
We insist, therefore, that you cancel the PteroCorp contract and remove those horrid creatures from our skies by any means necessary. Thank you for your time.
A. Scott White
Spokesman, United Victims of Pterosaur Violence
Hello, friends. How are you today?
P. S. - Aphter: 32. Thanks for stopping by.