And now, a recap of the weekend's top story. The wolves have given humanity an ultimatum. Due to cost-of-living increases and reduced hunting land acreage, the wolves will no longer be able to raise lost human children without some form of compensation from humanity.
"Meat," the spokeswolf growled. "We have no use for your money. We need meat or hunting land that is populated with meat."
Vegan activists attending the impromptu press conference were conflicted over the issue. "Although we are definitely on the side of the noble wolves in this, their struggle against wicked humanity," said Autumn Starfire, high priestess of the United Sisterhood of Vegan Volkswagen Owners, "we cannot give in to their deplorable demand for meat."
It was around this point that talks broke down yesterday. "I appreciate your offer, Ms. Starfire," growled the spokeswolf, "but I cannot eat love. I need meat." Starfire, producing an acoustic guitar from her bag, disagreed saying, "I think this Sufjan Stevens song will change your mind." At this the spokeswolf howled in protest and stormed out, pausing only long enough to growl, "That's it. Any human kids we find from here on out get eaten."
"The wolves will come around, I know they will. My VAGINA tells me to expect good things from animals this month," said Starfire, referring to the famous Vegan Astrology Guide for Involvement Natural Affairs, a sacred handbook among Vegans and other Volkswagen owners.
On location at Yellowstone Park, this is Scott reporting for Caveat Emptor News. Back to you in the studio, Scott.
Thanks for that report, Scott, and that's going to be all the time we have for today. For the entire Caveat Emptor News team, this is Scott, saying, "Hello, friends. How are you today? Later. Love."
