Like so many important developments in the history of Western Civilization, this started out with a post on Brandon’s blog. He was talking about comments, and about the lust for comments that can overtake a successful blogger. A blogger begins to judge his or her appeal by the number of comments received each day. “The comments are down. I must suck.” “The comments are up. I am like a god.” “The comments are all from women. I must be hot.” “The comments are all from men. I must be gay.” It can become an obsession, and all bloggers have felt it to some degree.
The comment response to Brandon’s post was voluminous. The topic resonated with bloggers young and old, male and female, cool and lame. Cat bloggers, daddy bloggers, knitting blogger, bitchers, polibloggers, online-dating bloggers, chick-lit bloggers, wanna-be-writer bloggers, spiritual bloggers, rant bloggers, Oprah-topic-of-the-week bloggers, even tribute bloggers (bloggers who start blogs designed to look and sound like another blog they admire) all had something to say about comments. They all had some experience with compulsive pressing of the “F5” (“Refresh”) key.
As the conversation developed, people began to notice the large volume of comments generated by the topic. “This should be a meme!” someone said. This is blogger-speak for, “Hey, maybe I can get some of this comment action over on my blog.” It was agreed, and it was dubbed, “The Comment Orgy.” The idea: The Comment Orgy torch is passed from blog to blog to blog (like an STD) and the party never ends. The last recipient was Jill. A couple of weeks ago, she passed it to me (that sounds a little awkward after the STD simile.) I've been procrastinating, but I will no longer put off till tomorrow what I can do today! (Update: I wrote that last sentence three days ago. HA!)
Is there a topic that controls the comment thread? No, not really. Usually the host provides a light-hearted nudge in some direction, like Linda Richmond from the SNL skit “Coffee Talk” and then the revelers are invited to “talk amongst yourselves.” The host then participates as would any other guest.
There are recurring themes in the comment orgy threads however. The most notable is the, “Since this is called an orgy, let’s pretend it’s a real orgy.” This leads to various and sundry risqué shenanigans and makes these posts adults-only. I’ve already notified the Disney Channel to unsubscribe their streaming bottom-of-screen RSS reader from my blog for the duration of this thread, however, so we should be safe. (Incidentally, we were picked up by the Spice channel, so let’s not disappoint.
Some of you may not be as worldly as the rest of us and may not ever have attended an orgy in real life. Being an overweight computer programmer in my mid-thirties, I’ve attended dozens. (A funny thing is this: I imagine actual orgies as pathetic and awkward occasions in which many of the attendees actually are overweight computer programmers in their mid-thirties at least). Just watch what the more experienced orgiers are doing and copy them. You'll get the hang of it.
Perhaps ironically, perhaps not ironically at all, the comment response to this meme has become a secret source of status among top bloggers. When we, the blogging elite, get together in our exclusive party clubs scattered across the trendiest cities in the world, we always compare the size of our comment orgy threads. “It’s not the size of the thread that matters, it’s the quality,” Brandon always says. We all know what THAT means, I guess. Sure, Brando. Whatever.
As an added twist to this orgy, I was going to make it, “An
Orgy for the Children,” which sounds awful, I know, but it’s not what it sounds
like. I was going to use the occasion to try and raise money for a children’s
charity. The only charity I found, however, that was willing to take our filthy
orgy money, was this terribly ill-conceived charity that tries to take
terminally ill children to the summit of Mount Everest before they die. “It’s a head start to heaven,” the brochure says. So far, they’ve
not managed to get any children to the top before they died. In fact, they’re
not even trying anymore. All of the money would go toward legal fees. It just
wasn’t what I was looking for.
It’s just as well. It turns out raising money with an orgy is considered prostitution and is not legal anyway. I’d hate to see any of your pictures on the evening news with the headline, “Comment Whore!”
So, the children will have to wait for another occasion. This orgy is pointless and purposeless, as an orgy should be. With no further ado, therefore, I proclaim the festivities open. Here, I'll give you a topic, "No matter where you go, there you are!" No wait, that's awful. How about, "Economics: Is it the new Viagra?" Hmmm... that's no good either. How about, "My favorite comment orgy moment was..." Yeah. That's the ticket. Go for it! Carpe diem!
